Marriage - How Can I Save My Marriage? The Secret Of Looking Past The Forest To The Solutions In The Trees

It was not long ago that Dave (name changed) asked me "how can I save my marriage?" Rather than answer off the cuff based on what I thought I knew, I asked him to explain the current situation and what he thought the root of the problem might be.

Since I am in the relationship business and often advise one spouse or the other - and sometimes both - in a marriage with serious problems I have come to rely on my ability to ask the right questions before using my skills at offering marital wisdom. When a marriage is in crisis it is very common for the husband and wife to think they know what the problem is to such a degree that they do not consider alternative issues or the chance they might be altogether wrong; so asking questions that challenge a person to really think about the marriage is quite helpful.

As human beings, the more we think a situation is hopeless the less we seem able to see possible solutions, even if they are right before our eyes. Moreover, our analysis of the situation may be completely wrong. Thus when faced with how to save your marriage and even fearing a potential divorce, clear thinking is not always a persons sharpest tool at hand.

And so, I liken the situation to the old saying "you cannot see the forest for the trees."

The secret, then, is to ignore the forest and concentrate on the trees.

Great, so how does one do that?

First off, by doing exactly what Dave did with me; talk it out with someone he knew and trusted. In this case, he was talking with a marriage relationship expert, but that need not even be the case. I once knew a computer programmer who worked alone. When he was stuck on a problem with a piece of code he would go talk about it with his wife - who knew nothing about computers. Yet in the process of explaining the problem the answer would come to light in his brain.

In the case of a marriage problem, often a person is so focused on the mess they are in they cannot see past the wreckage to determine what course of action could steer them clear of the next wreck long enough to start putting together a solution. I spoke about in another article the fact that too many marriage partners are set on fixing blame instead of fixing the problem. Think about that and if you are doing that, stop.

Will your spouse stop fixing blame on you? Probably not; at least not right away. Someone has to be the first to change or you may as well forget saving your marriage and start planning your divorce. But if divorce is not your desire and instead you would like to know how you can save your marriage instead then do not be afraid of being the first to change.

Begin a conversation, with utmost effort not to argue.

I am sure you have heard that communication is key in a marriage. All too true, just easier said than done. Especially with someone you may have argued with more than spoken with in the past who knows how long. If you want to know a super effective secret tool I recommend then here it is: uninterrupted time to talk.

Notice the key there is uninterrupted. The kids have to be taken care of such that they will not interrupt. Cell phones off. TV off. Life's problems on hold, don't worry, they will not go away. They will be there for you later, I promise. Sit down with your spouse and a pen and paper and discuss the issues in your marriage that are causing the most strife. Just list a few for right now and stop when you come to one that you both feel you can work on.

One problem is enough to start with.

Each of you list what he or she is willing to do to combat that particular problem in the marriage. No keeping score here; do not worry about who is doing more. I will make a suggestion, though, be willing to do more than your spouse. Not to hold anything against him or her, just that you want to "over deliver."

Source: Ezine