Marriage - Marriage Rx

Irreconcilable differences are often given as the cause of a divorce. Though I'm a bit vague on what constitutes an irreconcilable difference, I am convinced I've seen marriages break-up over reconcilable differences.

Wanting to know more, I consulted my pal Google. Feeling lazy, I trusted the undocumented accuracy of Wikipedia for the answer. According to Wiki, irreconcilable differences are any number of things which could make marriage "more or less impossible". What the heck does that mean? On any given day there are a number of things that make being married more or less impossible. Usually at the top of the list is our spouse. Beloved Soul Mate would likely agree, though even when I am irreconcilably difficult, I am hardly an irreconcilable difference. (Boys and girls, this is why you should never rely on Wikipedia for homework answers or legal advice.)

The self-absorbed, younger me had plenty of experience with such things. A number of my relationships had to be dissolved because of irreconcilable differences. Fortunately, they occurred during my pre-marital era, when my most challenging relationships usually involved rent-sharing pals, i.e. college roommates and post-college roommates.

Though, I've had the same roommate now for more than 20 years, I've yet to be tempted to scratch his favorite CD, steal and wear his favorite clothes, use up his toiletries, spit on his toothbrush or steal his cute guy friends. I'd like to believe this proves I am better at getting along with others now, but it may be I'm just better at living with a man, than with girlfriends.

Nevertheless we've had differences. Anyone who is married has. Every relationship has conflicts and relationships are sometimes defined by their conflicts. I dislike conflict and like to avoid all things unpleasant. When it comes to marriage issues, I am the philosophical equivalent of Rodney King, but staying married requires one to confront problems. The likelihood of staying married long enough to celebrate a precious metal anniversary, depends on the time & effort a couple is willing to invest to resolve differences. Through effective communication all problems can be solved. The trouble is nobody wants to practice "active listening" with someone is making them seething mad.

Maybe you can't relate to marital problems or maybe you're already yawning because of the tired talk of good communication. If so, please come back next week, when I'll be discussing something else.

Oh...you're still here? I'm not surprised, I figured you for the type who'd try to stick it out.

Listed below are things you probably already know. They constitute a prescription for treating marital ills. Since I have absolutely no credentials to back up my suggestions, you can add my name to the list of dubious sources from which you have received unsolicited marital advice.

RECOGNIZE: Problems arise because we all have different personalities and different needs. Big issues spawn smaller bits of ugliness. The distraction of small issues can make identifying the big issues nearly impossible and will conveniently, insure the real issues are lost among other disagreements. Just as you cannot effectively treat a medical condition if you do not know it's cause, unless you are willing to make a sincere effort to understand the underlying issues, your problems will fester and grow.

RETREAT: It may seem counter-intuitive, but sometimes the best way to get closer, is to step back. Impose an emotional quarantine, by distancing yourself from your feelings. This is very necessary and difficult for those who are more sensitive-like women-because being emotionally amped-up has a way of compromising our objectivity. If your spouse makes a hurtful comment, ask them if they meant it, as you interpreted it. Filter everything carefully and stay calm. You want to go for the resolution, not the jugular.

RESPECT: It's nearly impossible to respect someone who is behaving like an idiot, but that doesn't mean their viewpoint isn't legitimate. Because your spouse is not your clone, he or she may see the world differently. It isn't necessary to agree with or admire their position, but try to respect it. (It is also helpful to realize they probably find your view and/or behavior equally idiotic.) There is always another point of view. If you are convinced you are always right, or desire to be; please stop reading and call your attorney. The only people who are always right are those who remain alone.

REPAIR: When you think you have figured out the problem, disclose your findings to your partner. If they say you still don't get it, start over. You may have to do this repeatedly, but once you've identified the problem, you must figure out a resolution. The most useful practice is to ask your partner what kind of resolution they want or need. It may be as simple as an apology; or as challenging as changing our thinking.

RESTORE: Because we are humans with egos, restoration is the most difficult part. We may need to admit we were wrong, or if we are the person who has been wronged we may be required to trust someone who has hurt us. In either case, our actions will create the foundation on which future interactions occur. If we learn to be honest and vulnerable in our attempts to restore our relationship, we will have the respect and trust of our partner. If we continually allow things to go unresolved, we will lay a groundwork of bad feelings, which will color our partner's perceptions of us and cause our partner to be less inclined to want to work things out.

No matter how long you stay married, none of this will ever be completely natural. If you find something that always works, my advice is tattoo your secret on an inconspicuous place on the inside of your arm, so that you can refer to it often.

Marriage isn't easy, if it were, there would be a whole bunch of marriage counselors and attorneys looking for other work.

Source: Ezine