J. M. Barrie's classic tale Peter Pan should be required reading for anyone trying to understand men better. Peter Pan appears at the second-story window of the home of Wendy and her two brothers. Peter convinces them to fly off to Neverland with him giving the excuse that there are boys back in Neverland who are in need of a mother's care (himself included), and Wendy seems like a good candidate for the job. She can tell stories and has shown herself to be resourceful by sewing Peter's wayward shadow onto his foot. During their time in Neverland, they all have wondrous adventures with Peter as the captain and tour guide of all that is fun. Then the whole thing begins to unravel.
Wendy asks Peter about his feelings for her, and he replies that it is all make-believe, not understanding there is more to a grown-up relationship than the world of pretend. Wendy, growing alarmed about the traps of Neverland, tells Peter she is leaving, along with her brothers. While I have condensed much of the story, the source of real tension is if Peter Pan will stay a boy or grow up, and how this has an impact upon his ability to experience mature life beyond that of the make-believe world in which he lives.
Many of the same questions can be posed about the modern-day equivalent: the Peter PanMan. Will he grow up and be able to assume a job beyond that of fighting make-believe pirates? Will he come to understand mature love with all its complexities, responsibilities, and rewards? The Peter Pan Man is not always easily spotted. His personality can be disarming and can lure a potential romantic interest into thinking she has found Mr. Right. A Peter Pan Man knows how to have fun, and his lust for life can be intoxicating to those around them. He can also win you over with boyish flashes of vulnerability, which can lure you into a protective mothering role. You may never feel as alive as you do when you're with a Peter Pan Man. As long as nothing is really asked of them in terms of commitment or responsibility, they are fun to be with. The problem, however, is that by definition, a Peter Pan Man has never really grown up in any significant part of his life. These include the areas of work and love. Regarding his romantic relationships, he may think along these lines: "Yeah, she is nice enough alright; I think I do love her, and maybe there could even be a future for us. But right now I just want to concentrate on my music." What he fails to appreciate is that he is well beyond thirty years old, still lives in the basement of his mom's house, and the garage band that he plays in can only book gigs at the coffee shop where his drummer works. His woman is the best thing to come along in his life in quite some time, but the prospect of settling down seems too cumbersome, and let's face it, kind of scary.
If you are committed to being with your Peter Pan Man, there are some things he, and consequently you, are up against in terms of his growing up. This involves breaking the Neverland barrier that keeps him insulated in a boy-like mentality. Think of the Neverland barrier as an imaginary wall that separates the world of a boy from that of a man. The hard thing is that the Peter Pan Man does not realize a healthy transformation is possible; he has not seen what lies on the other side of the Neverland barrier. Instead, he thinks he has it good where he is, and there is no real reason to move on. The Peter Pan Man does not realize that growing up adds a whole new dimension to life. Here are two of the possible challenges a Peter Pan Man must face if he is to cross the Neverland barrier and become a grown man.
Challenge No. 1:
A Peter Pan Man must realize that growing up is not synonymous with death or personal oblivion.
This is easier said than done. A Peter Pan Man fears that he will lose himself if he takes one step too many in the direction of adulthood. There is always that fork in the road when approaching the Neverland barrier; having already come so far, should he go a little farther? The Peter Pan Man weighs the potential consequences of that next step and what it may cost him. This is where fear can consume him. He thinks if he goes one step too far, buys the minivan instead of the sports car, decides he really will dig in to his new job in earnest, or that he will throw away his little black book and commit to one person, it is a small distance to personal oblivion. He worries that a stranger will be looking back at him when he looks in the mirror.
In those crucial moments, when he is standing on the edge and his next decision will either lead to a mature change for
the better or else continue the cycle of fear and self-destruction, he may clearly see what truly frightens him. If you can take hold of his wings before he flies off, and ask him in your kindest "Wendy" voice what he is afraid of, he may look at you to see if you really want to know. He is sizing you up to see if you are sturdy enough to hear his deepest fears. You nod. He says, "I am afraid I will turn into [insert the name of the person he fears becoming]." No doubt there is a picture in his mind of a corrupted adult, someone who, by Peter Pan standards, has a joyless existence. You may hear the story of an overachieving father who worked himself into an early grave, or a mother who loved so deeply it broke her heart when her partner left. He may say he would rather die than be like them.
Another question that may be worth asking the Peter Pan Man is, "What are you afraid of experiencing again?" Remember, some Peter Pan Men employ their flying technique to distance themselves from the overwhelming pain of the past. To stand still, firmly rooted, is to run the risk of feeling those things all over again. The Peter Pan Man approach is to keep stirring, never really settling into jobs or relationships; there is less of a chance of being hurt if you never really get too close to others or show your own vulnerability. In the movie Magnolia, Tom Cruise does a wonderful job of portraying one of these wounded Peter Pan Men. When his father abandoned the family at an early age, he was left as a young boy to tend to his dying mother. This, of course, is beyond what little boys are meant to do - it leaves a mark. It is too painful for him to experience those memories. His way of protecting himself against their painful recollection is to fly above them, in an angry, distant way. Some Peter Pan Men fly, not because they want to, but because they have to. To land is to come into contact with old hurts from the past.
Challenge No. 2:
The escape from Neverland is about committing to the steady day-to-day effort involved in work and love.
The response by the Peter Pan Man to this notion is, "I don't want to!" Sometimes the Peter Pan Man undertakes a new venture in adult living because he really cares about his romantic partner and is trying to be more involved in the relationship. But there is still the question of his default setting of wanting to fly away when things get too complicated or cumbersome. For instance, maybe it is the holidays and your Peter Pan Man is not big on the family thing, but he goes ahead and accompanies you on the visit to see your family anyway because he knows it means a lot to you. You realize it is a bit of a stretch for him, but it makes you feel good inside that he is making the effort. You see him playing in the backyard with all your brother and sister's kids, and he even seems to be enjoying it! And you begin to think, "Wow, he is really turning the corner. Maybe we could talk about taking that next step, settle in, and even have kids of our own someday!" Then during the drive home he comments, "Yeah, that was something, wasn't it! Could you imagine being tied down like that?!! I would go mad."
Other times, the Peter Pan Man will flirt with the idea of trying something new because it could be entertaining. Even the original Peter Pan liked to pretend he and Wendy were grown-ups in love with a houseful of sons placed in their charge. This could find its way into both areas of love and work: "The idea of starting and keeping a real job could be fun. I get to dress up and carry a briefcase and have a real reason for using my cell phone. Did I tell you I get a business card with my name on it? Pretty cool!" But the real test comes as Marie Louise von Franz suggested, on those rainy Monday mornings or sunny Friday afternoons when work is the last place he wants to be: "Everybody else is out having fun and I am stuck at this lousy job working... grumble... grumble... grumble." The temptation is to call in sick or just blow the whole thing off: "Yeah, the boss said I have been putting in some really serious hours at work lately, so he told me I should just work from home today."
One of the mistakes that partners and friends make is expecting a Peter Pan Man to have a smooth transformation into a grown-up state without any backsliding. This is an unrealistic hope and will lead to frustration on everybody's part. To break the Neverland barrier involves a back-and-forth process of adjustment: one step forward and sometimes two back. It has to be worked at until he is finally ready to permanently breach the Neverland barrier. The hope is that a man may cross over the Neverland barrier in at least one significant area of his life and use that experience as an internal guide for more adult behavior. This often involves finding the right "Wendy" that compels him to grow up. This Wendy may be a literal person or a symbolic life event, mission, or purpose. It must be something that he commits himself to on a daily basis, something important enough to encourage him to weather the natural ups and downs that come with any situation. This includes sticking to it when things get tough, boring, or even when others outside his window seem to be having all the fun. Following this prescription to fruition means the Peter Pan Man will begin to see the manly stubble of a beard on his once boy-like chin.
Wake-up Call: How to Identify a Peter Pan Man
- You hear too often that commitment is an overblown concept.
- In his life, people are easily replaced.
- He has a history of feeling like jobs or relationships are a constant infringement upon his freedom.
- He has a blank stare when asked what he thinks being in a mature relationship really means.
- He has lived off of his boyish charm at work or in relationships while really making no substantial contributions.
- He pulls for a maternal reaction from you that lets him off the hook from adult responsibilities, like keeping a job or doing the needed work in a relationship.