The average man will date at least one psychotic female during his lifetime, and most of those men will go to their graves still shuddering at the memory. Temper tantrums, snooping, power plays, emotional blackmail; these are the basic hallmarks of a true "fatal" attraction. If you’re one of the many men currently trying to extricate himself from the worst relationship of his life, you’re not alone, and you’re wise to get out while you still have your sanity and all your extremities. This article is for those men ready to end such a relationship and end it with the least possible hassle. Read on as we give you the lowdown on the best tips for breaking up with a psycho.
Get your things back before you break up
This is the first step in breaking up with a psycho. Anything you’ve left at her place should be reacquired before you break up with her. If you don’t do this in advance, you’ll either never see it again or be forced to jump through hoops to get it back; hoops that could include taking her out to dinner, or worse. Start collecting your things a few weeks before the breakup, and do it subtly. You don’t want her catching on, as that could prompt her to destroy anything of value.
Avoid the padded room: When packing your things up, start with the items that matter most just in case she does catch on to your plan. You don’t want to find yourself in a position where you have to beg her to return your belongings, trust us.
Bring her things to the breakup
You’ll want to gather her belongings up and bring them along to the grand finale. Clothing, makeup, CDs, etc; chuck everything into a bag and hand it over at the breakup. If you don’t, she’s likely to drop by your home when you least expect her, which can only lead to unnecessary stress and strife. Give her stuff back now so she doesn’t have an excuse to stalk you in the future.
Avoid the padded room: You may be tempted to return gifts when breaking up with a psycho to emphasize finality, but we suggest you refrain from doing so, as that would probably send her even further over the edge.
Change your passwords/profiles
For the sake of protecting yourself, assume she’s discovered the passwords to your e-mail, social networking sites and voice mail. Change these passwords before you head to the breakup; this will prevent her from electronically sabotaging you when she gets home. Don’t forget to change your online profile status to single, and be sure to delete the psycho from any contact lists you may have to prevent her from harassing you via IM or other methods of online chat.
Avoid the padded room: If you suddenly find yourself the recipient of nonstop phone calls and psychotic e-mails, you may want to change your phone number and e-mail address -- although this is an extreme case. The process involves far less hassle than it used to, and you’ll find the peace of mind well worth the minimal effort.
Break up in a public place
You’ll want to break up with the psycho in a public place, and you’ll want to meet her there so you’ll be able to leave separately when the nightmare is over. Ask her to meet you at a café and don’t forget to bring her things inside with you. The more people present, the less likely she is to go ballistic. And, if she does go ballistic, you want witnesses who can verify that she lost it, not you.
Avoid the padded room: Be cordial, but keep it short and sweet. Don’t let yourself get dragged into a two-hour episode that will only escalate to more tears and more drama.
Avoid physical good-byes
It’s conceivable that she will request a good-bye hug or even a good-bye kiss. If you consent, this will give her two distinct impressions: 1) You still find her sexually attractive; and 2) If she tries hard enough, she can probably win you back. Therefore, when breaking up with a psycho, it’s crucial that you not cross that line. You don’t have to be cruel, but you should avoid physical good-byes at all costs.
Avoid the padded room: Do not fall for any request to become friends with benefits, even if she’s the best lay you've ever had. Her sole intention in suggesting it will be to get you back at any cost, which will eventually put you right back where you started.
Make your breakup public
Some men are naturally private and keep the details of their personal lives quiet, even among friends. While you certainly don’t need to broadcast the full story, we highly recommend you inform common acquaintances and any family members she’s been introduced to about your recent split. If you don’t, you run the risk of the psycho trying to use them as a backdoor into your life. A passing comment is sufficient; just be sure you tell people the relationship is over and let them know they needn’t entertain her further.
Avoid the padded room: If she was prone to dropping by your office, let the receptionist know she’s no longer welcome in the building. If you live in a gated community or apartment building, you’ll also want to let security know she’s no longer allowed access.
Change your routine/schedule
A good psycho will know your daily routine better than you do. She knows how you get to work, what time you go to lunch, what time you get home, and what you have planned for tomorrow. In short; you’re now primed for stalking. If she really wants you back, you can expect to start “accidentally” bumping into her several times a day. To avoid this, you’ll want to change your schedule as much as possible, even if it means adding a few extra minutes to your travel time or losing a few from your lunch break. In the grand scheme of things, you’ll find it a pleasant alternative.
Avoid the padded room: For a few weeks following your breakup with the psycho, find a new parking spot, both at home and at work, to prevent her from damaging your ride. Also, if you have a regular Happy Hour haunt, you may want to try somewhere new until you’re sure she’s not going to turn up uninvited.