Along with "in sickness and in health" and "for richer or poorer," marriage vows should include "despite laundry and piano lessons." After all, a relationship's greatest challenges often are rooted in its most mundane routines, the tasks that can make spouses feel more like co-workers than lovers.
"Date nights" are supposed to be the antidote, suggested by everyone from marriage counselors to Brides magazine. The ritual got a recent boost from Barack and Michelle Obama, who have had several date nights since moving into the White House. They've slipped out to Washington restaurants and taken in a show on Broadway -- just another middle-aged couple with busy lives, young children and a desire to keep tallying wedding anniversaries (16 and counting).
Jay and Ilene Goldberg of Edina suspect that one reason they are at 32 anniversaries and counting is that they have made a priority of going out together once a week -- although they've only begun calling it a date night in recent years.
"We always went out on Saturday nights, always made sure we had a baby-sitter," Ilene said. But the impetus wasn't so much about reconnecting as about having a child-free meal, Jay added. When the youngest left the nest in 2002, the family dynamic shifted a bit.
Jay, a tax attorney, can easily clock 60 to 80 hours at the office in the winter. "There would always be more than enough work to do, so I finally told my staff not to schedule anyone past 4 p.m. on Fridays, and said it's because it's date night," he said. The Goldbergs' Saturdays out thus shifted to Fridays.
They try to always leave the house, away from the phone, the Internet and the washing machine. While they most often go to dinner, they try to spend summer Fridays outside, walking around a lake or playing a round of golf. Most important, they keep the evening to themselves, not pairing up with friends.
"If you don't set time aside, you can get lazy about things," Ilene said.
Bernie Slutsky, a couples therapist in Maple Grove, Minn., said that couples can unconsciously fall into a pattern of withdrawing from each other. Hurt feelings cause further retreat, "because what anyone really wants is to be enjoying the other person and know that the other person is enjoying them," Slutsky said.
While Slutsky said that he and his wife don't have a regular date night, they are conscious of the importance of having fun together, even if it's just sitting together on the back porch. "I mean, we're very conscious in the business world of how things are working, the progress we're making. We need to do the same thing for our significant relationships."
However, he added, if a couple is grappling with personal issues, date night is not the time to get into them.
"The purpose is to have fun and enjoy each other, whether it's going to a coffee shop, seeing a movie or going on a bike ride," he said. "They've already been through their dating experiences, so this is a way of remembering that this relationship is important."
A Dose of Novelty
Yet it's the very idea of resurrecting the dating experience that makes Janette Ayd cringe.
"I'm not really that big on the idea of date night," said Ayd, a clinical psychologist in Minneapolis. "I think it can have negative connotations because most people generally didn't like dating in the first place."
Ayd says it's important for a couple to go out together, but date night means nothing if the ritual itself becomes routine, or merely silently sitting next to each other in a theater.
"What's most important is making the connection," Ayd said. "Some people get that by going out once a week, but others get it by doing mundane things together like gardening, or reading the paper and talking about an article. It's the connecting that's important."
Don't underestimate the value of connecting in new ways, however. A study by the State University of New York at Stony Brook indicates that relationships improve with occasional doses of novelty. Social psychologist Arthur Aron, speaking to the New York Times last year, said that new experiences activate the brain's reward system, flooding it with dopamine and norepinephrine. It's an encore performance of what happens when couples first fall in love, when they feel a thrill at the prospect of seeing each other.
In the study, one group of couples did "pleasant" activities such as dining out or going to a movie. A second group went on more "exciting" dates, such as going to an amusement park or simply doing a new activity with mutual appeal. After 10 weeks, those with "exciting" date nights felt significantly more marital satisfaction than did the "pleasant" date night group, Aron said.
The Goldbergs of Edina said that while they most often go to dinner, they mix it up depending on the weather and their mood. They enjoy talking about anything and everything, although try to steer clear of work, he for reasons of client confidentiality. Sometimes, though, a quick venting to each other clears the way for a more enjoyable evening. "He's an employer and I'm an employee, so sometimes we can help each other see another perspective," said Ilene, a dental hygienist coordinator for Southdale Dental Associates.
With their Friday date nights, the Goldbergs have found themselves regarded as role models by the younger people in their workplaces, who always ask what they're going to do from week to week. So, too, by their two grown sons, one of whom is getting married next spring. "He always says whatever he learned, he learned from the master," Ilene said, and her husband laughed.