Looking to be an exclusive couple? Dying to get engaged? Cosmo tells you how to fast-forward your union...without freaking him out.
In a perfect world, all romantic relationships would sail smoothly from sort-of-dating to madly-in-love. More often than not, though, the road to Coupleville is dotted with commitment detours, ones that your man seems unable to navigate. Carrie*, 26, has been with her boyfriend, Jeff, for four fun-filled months. But now she's ready to kick it up a notch on the serious scale. "I want a more defined relationship," she explains. "I'm scared that if I don't do something to take us forward, Jeff won't either because, well, he's a guy." You can relate, right? Who doesn't want to get closer to a man you're crazy about? But pushing for a tighter bond is a tricky task. After all, many men are perfectly happy keeping things between the two of you the same...indefinitely. So how do you give your love a nudge without causing him to jump ship? Cosmo spills the most guy-sensitive ways to progress -- no panic button required.
Desired Love Level: Officially Dating
When you kiss, you get goose bumps. And at the end of each date, you both agree to do it again...soon. But since your status with him is looser than Joan Rivers's lips, "soon" sometimes turns into days or even weeks.
Your goal: to establish some sort of romantic rhythm.
The problem: You're afraid that upping the ante will cause him to fold his hand.
The nudge: There's something he likes about this breezy setup or you'd be seeing him more often than you do your manicurist. Most likely, he fears sacrificing his time for steady dates with you. So ease his anxiety by stressing how much is happening in your life -- the concert you saw last week or your friend's margarita party -- and you'll zap any jitters he has that dating you will chip away at his independence. You'll also become a more valuable commodity. "Having a full life makes you interesting to him because you have so many things to talk about," notes Janet R. Laubgross, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist specializing in relationships. "He will instinctively want to spend more time with you -- and will likely plan dates with you in advance because he knows the schedule he's competing with." Liz, 24, prompted her guy to move forward by pumping up her sans-man social life. "Waiting around for Lou to call wasn't getting me anywhere," she says. "I was not going to keep blowing off my friends, so I started making lots of plans again. The next time Lou called, he was shocked that I was busy for the next three weeks. Now he books regular dates with me well ahead of time." And when you're out together, it also doesn't hurt to mention movies or gallery openings nonchalantly -- anything you can follow up with a "We should go check it out." Not only will this nonthreatening line likely score you another romantic rendezvous, but hearing it will also subliminally emphasize to him that, yes, the two of you are in fact dating. * Names have been changed
When you kiss, you get goose bumps. And at the end of each date, you both agree to do it again...soon. But since your status with him is looser than Joan Rivers's lips, "soon" sometimes turns into days or even weeks.
Your goal: to establish some sort of romantic rhythm.
The problem: You're afraid that upping the ante will cause him to fold his hand.
The nudge: There's something he likes about this breezy setup or you'd be seeing him more often than you do your manicurist. Most likely, he fears sacrificing his time for steady dates with you. So ease his anxiety by stressing how much is happening in your life -- the concert you saw last week or your friend's margarita party -- and you'll zap any jitters he has that dating you will chip away at his independence. You'll also become a more valuable commodity. "Having a full life makes you interesting to him because you have so many things to talk about," notes Janet R. Laubgross, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist specializing in relationships. "He will instinctively want to spend more time with you -- and will likely plan dates with you in advance because he knows the schedule he's competing with." Liz, 24, prompted her guy to move forward by pumping up her sans-man social life. "Waiting around for Lou to call wasn't getting me anywhere," she says. "I was not going to keep blowing off my friends, so I started making lots of plans again. The next time Lou called, he was shocked that I was busy for the next three weeks. Now he books regular dates with me well ahead of time." And when you're out together, it also doesn't hurt to mention movies or gallery openings nonchalantly -- anything you can follow up with a "We should go check it out." Not only will this nonthreatening line likely score you another romantic rendezvous, but hearing it will also subliminally emphasize to him that, yes, the two of you are in fact dating. * Names have been changed
Desired Love Level: Exclusivity
Things may feel serious with your man. After all, your Friday-night dates often turn into 48-hour get-togethers, and his rottweiler recognizes you when you walk in the door. But since you haven't had the official "talk" yet, you have absolutely no clue if you're his one and only...or if he even wants you to be.
The nudge: When the mood is relaxed, find out for sure whether he's seeing someone else by casually asking, "Don't the other women in your life get jealous that you spend so much time with me?" If he just shrugs, follow up with a playful "So, how many are there? I need to know what I'm up against." If he admits he's dating around, don't freak. You just need to communicate calmly and clearly how long you're willing to be one of several. "Know your own relationship timetable first," recommends Aggie Jordan, Ph.D., author of The Marriage Plan: How to Marry Your Soul Mate in One Year or Less. "Then say something that conveys your maturity, not your neediness, like 'I'm growing out of the dating-around thing, and I need to know whether you're preparing to move to the next stage with me.'" Give him a loose time frame, then back off and revisit the issue at the cutoff date. If that feels too direct, there's always the old standby nudge: inspiring a bit of jealousy. Fernando, 26, shelved his relationship fears after the woman he was seeing announced that her colleague wanted to set her up on a blind date. "It was weird," he remembers. "Debbie was so blasé when she told me. I sat there wondering, How can my girlfriend actually talk to me about other guys? Then I realized I'd never officially admitted that I considered her my girlfriend, and I knew I had to speak up. Luckily, she agreed when I told her I didn't want us to see other people."
Things may feel serious with your man. After all, your Friday-night dates often turn into 48-hour get-togethers, and his rottweiler recognizes you when you walk in the door. But since you haven't had the official "talk" yet, you have absolutely no clue if you're his one and only...or if he even wants you to be.
The nudge: When the mood is relaxed, find out for sure whether he's seeing someone else by casually asking, "Don't the other women in your life get jealous that you spend so much time with me?" If he just shrugs, follow up with a playful "So, how many are there? I need to know what I'm up against." If he admits he's dating around, don't freak. You just need to communicate calmly and clearly how long you're willing to be one of several. "Know your own relationship timetable first," recommends Aggie Jordan, Ph.D., author of The Marriage Plan: How to Marry Your Soul Mate in One Year or Less. "Then say something that conveys your maturity, not your neediness, like 'I'm growing out of the dating-around thing, and I need to know whether you're preparing to move to the next stage with me.'" Give him a loose time frame, then back off and revisit the issue at the cutoff date. If that feels too direct, there's always the old standby nudge: inspiring a bit of jealousy. Fernando, 26, shelved his relationship fears after the woman he was seeing announced that her colleague wanted to set her up on a blind date. "It was weird," he remembers. "Debbie was so blasé when she told me. I sat there wondering, How can my girlfriend actually talk to me about other guys? Then I realized I'd never officially admitted that I considered her my girlfriend, and I knew I had to speak up. Luckily, she agreed when I told her I didn't want us to see other people."
Desired Love Level: Exchanging the L Word
"I love you" is the Holy Grail of relationship speak. You're dying to divulge your own adoration, but you're terrified that if you spring the sentiment on him and he just says, "Thanks," you'll be hurt...and he'll head for the escape hatch.
The nudge: To start, get him used to hearing the L word by peppering it into your conversations. "Say, 'I love how you laugh.' Or tell him that you love how he touches you," advises Gilda Carle, Ph.D., author of He's Not All That! How to Attract the Good Guys. "You're sending your affectionate message without spelling it out." If you're lucky, he'll profess his love to you first. More likely, though, you'll need to be more proactive. Grab a playful situation and run with it rather than waiting for an intense moment. For Ted, 27, the fact that his girlfriend chose an offbeat situation to make her impromptu love declaration loosened him up enough to recognize that he felt exactly the same way. "Laurel and I were riding a Ferris wheel when she said she loved me," he says. "I usually gag on heavy emotion like that. But I realized after she said it that our relationship had been shifting -- especially the way we were more affectionate during sex. When she blurted it out, she was actually confirming something we both felt. And I had no trouble saying it back."
"I love you" is the Holy Grail of relationship speak. You're dying to divulge your own adoration, but you're terrified that if you spring the sentiment on him and he just says, "Thanks," you'll be hurt...and he'll head for the escape hatch.
The nudge: To start, get him used to hearing the L word by peppering it into your conversations. "Say, 'I love how you laugh.' Or tell him that you love how he touches you," advises Gilda Carle, Ph.D., author of He's Not All That! How to Attract the Good Guys. "You're sending your affectionate message without spelling it out." If you're lucky, he'll profess his love to you first. More likely, though, you'll need to be more proactive. Grab a playful situation and run with it rather than waiting for an intense moment. For Ted, 27, the fact that his girlfriend chose an offbeat situation to make her impromptu love declaration loosened him up enough to recognize that he felt exactly the same way. "Laurel and I were riding a Ferris wheel when she said she loved me," he says. "I usually gag on heavy emotion like that. But I realized after she said it that our relationship had been shifting -- especially the way we were more affectionate during sex. When she blurted it out, she was actually confirming something we both felt. And I had no trouble saying it back."
Desired Love Level: Getting Engaged
When your mom nags you about whether he'll ever pop the question, you shrug and say you couldn't care less. Still, every time you and your man go away for the weekend, you're dying to know if he packed a ring in his duffle bag. There's no question that you're wild about each other. But even if you two have casually discussed tying the knot, he has yet to produce the diamond.
The nudge: Few things scare a man more than the thought of his bachelorhood evaporating. "You need to let him know that the great times won't vanish after you take your vows," says Laubgross. Organize fun outings with your happily hitched friends to show him life doesn't stop once you say "I do." To squelch her man's fears that they'd morph into a boring couple postnuptials, Molly, 25, dropped tantalizing references to their future. "One night," she remembers, "I said, 'Wouldn't it be great to move downtown together in a few years -- see more concerts, go to more clubs?' Pete told me later that I made being married sound like so much fun, it was easy for him to pop the question the next month." If these subtle tactics don't work, try a more direct approach. After all, marriage is a major undertaking, and you need to make sure your man is prepared to take the plunge. Say something like "I love you and I want to be with you, but I can't wait for you forever." Have a timeline in the back of your mind, then be ready to move on if he doesn't fit into your plans. Not only does this show him you're serious about securing your future, but it will force him to evaluate his. That might be just the nudge he finally needs to spring for that diamond ring.
When your mom nags you about whether he'll ever pop the question, you shrug and say you couldn't care less. Still, every time you and your man go away for the weekend, you're dying to know if he packed a ring in his duffle bag. There's no question that you're wild about each other. But even if you two have casually discussed tying the knot, he has yet to produce the diamond.
The nudge: Few things scare a man more than the thought of his bachelorhood evaporating. "You need to let him know that the great times won't vanish after you take your vows," says Laubgross. Organize fun outings with your happily hitched friends to show him life doesn't stop once you say "I do." To squelch her man's fears that they'd morph into a boring couple postnuptials, Molly, 25, dropped tantalizing references to their future. "One night," she remembers, "I said, 'Wouldn't it be great to move downtown together in a few years -- see more concerts, go to more clubs?' Pete told me later that I made being married sound like so much fun, it was easy for him to pop the question the next month." If these subtle tactics don't work, try a more direct approach. After all, marriage is a major undertaking, and you need to make sure your man is prepared to take the plunge. Say something like "I love you and I want to be with you, but I can't wait for you forever." Have a timeline in the back of your mind, then be ready to move on if he doesn't fit into your plans. Not only does this show him you're serious about securing your future, but it will force him to evaluate his. That might be just the nudge he finally needs to spring for that diamond ring.