Love - Love More, Care Less?

I read an article recently describing how to love more and care less, how to detach and take care of ourselves.Loving more and caring less don't really seem to go together.

The question occurs to me: How do we love more and react less?

When we love and the person we love says or does something that tells us they aren't with us we have a reaction. If we interpret what they co as," we're not really on the same team", or "I'm not thinking about you," or "I don't care what you think/feel" that's upsetting. It's when a child acts out, or a spouse runs late repeatedly and doesn't call, and it results in my being upset and then acting on that upset by responding with anger or irritation - that's the moment I'm considering.

You might think of your own examples of things the people you love do that are upsetting to you. Do you have a couple of them in mind now?

There's a good chance that you get upset by their act because that act looks like, or even is, emotional turning away.

When we love someone and we sense they are emotionally turning away from us it hurts! It scares us. When we see them turn away, it's our natural instinct to go after them. We want to stay connected. The trouble with that one is our upset will feel to them like we're moving into fight. Think of the fight/flight response. Then it's their natural instinct to flee, run for cover, defend, deny, appease. There you have it a battle.

If I move into upset/fight my partner has to experience that on an emotional level as me turning into the enemy, not someone who wants to stay connected.

Back to the question, how do we love more and react less?

I'll give you a hint; the answer is NOT to care less.

John Gottman's research shows that happily married couples bring up concerns sooner with each other and share them. Sue Johnson's research shows that when couples can share their deeper feelings with each other their bond is protected and grows stronger.

That's the real answer. Love more and share more deeply. Don't share more reactivity. Don't share more anger. Don't share more judgment. Those are emotional daggers.

Remember your intention is to love and be connected.

How do you do it? How do you stay connected and loving when you're hurt?

I'd love your comments.

Article Source:

Source: Ezine

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