All relationships have ups and downs, some more downs than others but how do you know if you're just going through a bad patch or if it's time to call it a day?
1. You don't feel close anymore
Most relationships go through a honeymoon phase. 'Research tells us that a lot of this is Mother Nature's way of making sure we mate and bond with our partner,' says relationship psychotherapist Paula Hall. 'Inevitably these fuzzy feelings wear off - usually after about 2 years. The important thing is to accept this as a natural change and find new ways to feel close. There are things you can do to feel close again. Get it out in the open and talk about how you feel. Make some time to do things together, even if it's just a walk in the park.'
Is it over?
No, all relationships need work and if you can start talking then you've got a good chance of survival.
2. You haven't had sex for a very long time
'If you're not having sex then you need to work out why. If it's because of problems in the relationship then you'll need to sort those out first. If it's deeper than that then it may be that psychosexual counselling can help. But if you don't want sex, and you don't even want to want sex, then this is not a good sign,' says Paula.
stress, tiredness and kids can all put your sex life on hold, this is normal. But if you're both making excuses to not sleep with each other or you don't fancy your partner anymore then it could be a sign that it's time to move on.
Before you decide it's over talk to your partner to see if there's a problem. Try to re-ignite the passion you once had with new sex positions or if that feels like too much then start slowly with just a bit of foreplay.
Is it over?
It depends. If you've explored all the reasons why you don't fancy him/each other anymore then it might be time to move on or even just try a break.
3. You can't remember the last time you were affectionate with each other
'When we touch we release a chemical which makes us feel bonded to our partner, so touch is essential,' says Paula. 'If you really can't bring yourself to be affectionate with each other then you need to deal with the underlying causes. Sometimes so much distance builds between you that touching feels false. You need to get close through communication then hopefully touch will follow naturally,' says Paula.
Is it over?
No, if you take things slowly you could rekindle your romance
4. You fight constantly
'Knowing how to argue properly and resolve problems is essential for any relationship to survive, but it takes two of you to make it work,' says Paula. 'If he's willing to work at it then there's no reason why you shouldn't be able to find a solution, but if he won't even try then there's no way you'll resolve the problem alone. On the positive side, fighting means you still care.'
Is it over?
No, you've still got a good chance of sorting things out - as long as your partner is willing to sort things out too
5. You think he's cheating
Many people would say that trust is the most important thing in a relationship and when that's gone the relationship is over. But Paula says, 'First of all ask yourself why you're suspicious? Is this about your insecurity or has he breached your trust before? If it's the latter then you may have good reason to be worried, but if it's the former than you need to work on ways that he can reassure you. Again, this will take the co-operation of both of you,' says Paula. Do you know the signs that he's cheating? Or are you the one who's having an affair
Is it over?
Possibly. Some couples manage to get back to where they started after an affair, but for many once the trust has gone the relationship has too. Get professional advice from
6. Neither of you want to make future plans
If the thought of spending more time with your partner than necessary fills you with dread then the relationship is on unsteady ground. 'This is not a good sign at all,' says Paula. 'If neither of you can rise above your current disagreements to see a future together then maybe you don't have one,' says Paula
Is it time to split?
Is it over?
It's probably time to call it a day. If you've tried to get over your struggles but you still don't enjoy each other's company then it's time to find a new life where you can both be happy.
7. You're bored and he's unresponsive.
You've tried really hard to inject some fun, passion and common interests into the relationship but he's shown no interest at all.
This might not be the end, it might just be a case of adjusting to your expectations. But communication is the key. 'It may be that the relationship is good enough for him, but not good enough for you,' says Paula. Unfortunately many couples discover that they don't share the same view of what a relationship should be. Having high expectations is not the problem, it's not sharing the same expectations that's the killer.'
Is it over?
Maybe. You need to think about what you want from a relationship, if you're expectations are realistic and if your partner can give you what you want.
8. Your friends are starting to talk
Friends and family have noticed that you're always miserable - and they tend to notice the signs before you do because they have a different perspective. Paula says, 'If you're miserable, you've got to do something. That may be getting help as a couple, or help alone to make that final decision about the future of your relationship.'
Is it over?
Possibly. You might just be going through a rough patch or you could be depressed. Whatever you think the reason is you need to think about yourself first and your relationship last.
9. He or she has become physically, emotionally or mentally abusive
There is never an excuse for abuse of any kind, whether it's bullying, teasing, physical or emotional.
'You should never feel abused in a relationship, no matter how tense things might be. If he deliberately wants to hurt you then it's time to get out,' says Paula.
Is it over?
Yes. You must leave and think of yourself. Read our guide to leaving an abusive relationship.
10. You've changed your behaviour, beliefs and appearance
We all change a bit in a relationship and start to enjoy each others interests. And everyone needs to compromise when you're in a relationship but it might be go too far if you're changing in the hope that this will change your relationship for the better. You could be overcompensating for other problems or lack of compatibility.
Paula says, 'If you're making all the changes then you've got to consider what the cost is to you as an individual. Of course you have to make an effort to make a relationship work and of course it's ok to make compromises and try to do things to make your partner happy. But there reaches a point where to change any more will mean losing yourself, and that's far, far too high a price to pay.'
Is is over?
No, maybe you just need to find yourself again and assert yourself. Spend more time with your friends and family without your partner, maybe join a club or start a new hobby on your own.
However, if your partner has become controlling or they don't like you having your own interests then you need to think about whether you want to be in a relationship like this.
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